TITLE: College

HIGHEST SCORE: Dialogue LOWEST SCORE: Structure

Sample long-line: Jason, a headstrong college dropout, returns to the local city college he left off fifteen years ago, to put his life back on track.

What Works?

There’s a lot of warmth to Jason’s story and believability to his situation. The writer’s makes an admirable effort to draw Jason as a self-proclaimed “looser.” He aims to put his life back together, but by page 20, he needs stronger motivation than the death of his drug-dealing friend. Some snappy dialogue and interesting supporting characters like Jenny, and his skuzzy best friend Repo, propel the first act and set up the second act nicely. I like the contrast between the wealthy private college fraternity parties, and the city college kids sneaking in. Like with most college scripts, there is too much reliance on stereotypes. The dark satire doesn’t mix with the light-hearted sight gags and one-liners (like the party scenes on pages 62-65). The character driven humor is sharp and should be the writer’s main focus, and kept in the second draft. The writer’s most valuable strength is their ability to get inside the character’s head. The dialogue sparkles in scenes that play it straight. This is where the drama starts to build-- it just doesn’t go anywhere.

What Doesn’t Work?

Why this setting? Why this time period? I can see the drama reaching new heights, if perhaps the story took place in the Midwest (think The Last Picture Show). In fact, Jenny has a lot in common with Cybil Sheppard’s character in that film, and it would be a good one to go back and watch. Why does she fall so deeply in love with Jason? There is very little build up. When Jenny’s butch rugby playing boyfriend proclaims, “I hear you’ve been seeing my girl,” (page 27) it’s laughable. He shouldn’t merely be a stereotype, why can’t he also have depth? Give Jenny more vulnerability, and less of an acid tongue. The relationship between her and her mother Rose are gripping scenes (page 38 and page 70). If the dilapidation of Jenny’s home life, somehow reflected the setting, and drew upon a time in history where whole communities where divided by class, it could enhance the script greatly. The screenplay needs new direction into the second act. Jason’s need to be reeducated isn’t enough, nor is putting his life back together-- what does he have to loose? He’s already such looser it’s hard to sympathize with him, or Jenny for loving him. There’s so such much passivity to the ensemble cast, and splitting up the focus doesn’t serve the plot. This script is too character driven-- it needs more story. Blocks of dialogue can be forgiven because the writer inhabits his/her characters. Now they need to refocus on the story.

How Can it be Improved?

Make an effort to concentrate on the structure. The story drifts from one scene to the next without clearly defined transitions that make sense. For instance, the transition from Jenny and Jason’s fight on page 58, is not completely resolved by the party scene, but there is no mention of a fight. On page 20, moving from the scenes with Jason and his dead friend, to waiting in line for admissions is shoddy. In comparison, the scene with Jenny and her mother, to the football game (page 90) is much smoother. The writer has a knack for hiding and revealing character flaws, but not at driving the story. The genre fluctuates between teen sex comedy, and a serious comment on college society. By splitting up the focus, giving us scenes with Jenny and her mother, Jason and his friend Repo, Jenny’s boyfriend and his frat brothers-- we only get glimpses of the character’s external nature, but often times the plot seems to disappear. Jason is missing for pages at a time. His struggle is forgotten, and high-jinx ensue. Rethink the conventional setting of a Southern Californian city college. Make the stakes for Jason’s success much higher. Keep writing, this is a great start.